Sunday, September 23, 2012

With Newly Leaked Single, Xtina Turns Into SEXtina!

It's time to bow down to the queen! Xtina is back with the years anthem of sin. Not since “Not Myself Tonight” has Christina Aguilera made such a thought-provoking record. Whether it was leaked accidentally by a hacker or purposely by Xtina herself, the demo of “Your Body” has always caused a worldwide sensation! In a song produced by Max Martin (perhaps the only good thing he's ever done)- Xtina invites the listener inside her private thoughts and fantasies. In the song in which she demands “don't even tell me your name, all I need to know is who's place,”“Your Body” does one thing so many songs have attempted, but failed: tackle the taboo subject of anonymous sex! In the same vein as sexual songs from her past such as “Dirrty” and “Sex for Breakfast,” Xtina takes on the risky task successfully with subtle, yet sexually-tingled lyrics “tonight all I wanna do is f*%k your body,(vocal run) tonight's your lucky night I know you want it (vocal run)” and goes on with the slyly feminist words “if you don't know where to go, I'll finish off on my own” proving Aguilera is still an independent woman who doesn't need a man, and that their only there for her pure pulsating pleasure. Legendtina explains her sexuality best herself in her own words: “it's true what you heard, I am a freak, I'm disturbed.” On “Your Body,” her vocals beg the question: Adele who? And the futuristic edgy neo-techno/pop production makes you forget that there is..uhh..was a Lady Gaga. Lucky for the world, Aguilera has taken the j-Lo route: judging and mentoring singers much less talented, but at the same time continuing a recording career to capitalize on the massive success of their shows. Why Paula Abdul didn't do the same thing, the world will never know! While her past few projects were slow sellers, in truth, the avant-garde record Bionic just might be Xtina's Rubber Soul and Burlesque was her Citizen Kane. Details of the new record are still a mystery to her legion of fans and public alike, but one can safely assume that it will be full of vocal runs,club classics, beautiful ballads, and lyrics that don't only push the envelope, but lick it closed! Or perhaps Xtina will shock her fans once again! One never knows what her brilliant mind will come up with, whether wearing a simple fire engine red lipstick to visually stimulate her viewers, or simulating sex on stage- Legendtina's artistic integrity knows no bounds! I just know that Xtina must record this song in Spanish for the single's b-side! “Tu Cuerpo” is bound to be a Latin American smash! Not since Madonna's “Girls Gone Wild” has a track been so perfectly produced for the clubs, radio, and sexually liberal listeners alike! Only Xtina takes the genre to the next level. Perfect for bouncin' that booty on the dance floor and grindin' against your dance partner(s) all night long. Xtina has done it again! You cannot listen to “Your Body” without wanting to move (and touch!) your body...and somebody else's.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Madonna: Gang Bang's and a Girl Gone Wild!

When reviewing Madonna's single "Give Me All Your Luvin'," one journalist commented that it sounded like something Katy Perry might sing. That my friend, is like comparing the beauty of a 10-inch dick to the infected lumps on a twat one might have to have surgically removed. Madonna is, has been, and will always be the queen of pop. In five years, when Katy Perry is performing her greatest "hits" on local Koren TV shows, Madonna will be filling arenas worldwide. With MDNA, Madonna has proven to not only be relevant, but still be Madonna, the biggest musical star since The Beatles, the sexiest woman in the business, and probably one of the few mega successes not attached to the Illuminati!

Madonna always does good on her own, but MDNA has it's share of collaborations. With guest stars like Nicki Minaj and LMFAO, one might wonder why Madonna has just recently (well, since 2003) worked with “trendy” artists at the peak of their careers? (But to be honest, after working with Justin Timeberlake and Kanye West on her last record, she could have worked with a Tickle Me Elmo and I still would have seen improvement in her “tastes.” When it comes to Hard Candy, let's just say I thank the Lord for digital editing!)

The truth is Madonna is a business woman, and she needs to make money to feed the African babies! Let's just happy Madonna wasn't always like that, or it would have been “Justify My Love" (Featuring MC Hammer). To be fair, though, Nicki definitely adds a good amount of tasty flavah to fun single “Give Me All Your Luvin”and the chunky, yet funky “I Don't Give a..” In it, and “Love Spent” Madonna takes some jabs at ex-husband Guy Ritchie. One might compare this record to 1989's Like a Prayer, as it's another post-divorce, but let's not. MDNA is a great record, but let's not compare it to a legendary M record! It would spoil it.

With MDNA, Madonna gets back to having a dirty, sexy, fun time. Perhaps M's best single since "Frozen," "Girl Gone Wild" throws it down on the dancefloor with it's bottom-ready beats and, even better, it's homoerotic, bottom-ready video! And one just has to love the lyrical allusion to Cyndi Lauper. You just KNOW Madonna is singing about girls just wanting to have some fun and at the same time thinking "this bitch Lauper, everyone thought you was gonna outlast me, and 25 years later, I'm still the queen, bitch!!" Madonna's so cute.

There are a few other dancefloor drugs on the disc. In "I'm Addicted," Madonna tells us something we already suspected, "I'm a dic-." "Some Girls" talks a lot of shit about stuck-up hoochie mamas, and is frankly, the weakest dance track on the album, but hell, it's Madonna doing dance! So I'm in! But it's "Turn on the Radio" where Madonna really shoves her music in your ear. Sounds a little like a True Blue-era album track set to a modern dance beat, but that's a good thing! With a sugary sweet voice and a cute lyrical theme, Madonna makes you realize that no matter how many men, women, and puppies she "simulated" sex with in her 1992 autobiography SEX, she's still innocent at heart.

One thing you learn about Madonna on this record, is that she can be one angry bitch! In "Gang Bang" (which isn't a song about Madonna's experience in a cholo sex club, sadly), Madonna not only kills the bastard who done her wrong, she makes sure that fucker has never been deader! All this to a deep, throbbing, dark beat that makes you wonder if this is the same woman who chirps "Ooo La La, You're a Superstar" only a few tracks later. This song may not become a single, but is definitely THE song to download if you don't wanna mess with the entire disc.

Another thing you learn about this album, underneath it all, she's an artist. As she has done since True Blue, while she has her party songs, her fillers and her smashes, she also has her lyrically rich and deep moments. It's those moments that separate her from Britney Spears and Gaga. “Masterpiece” and “Fallin Free” bring back the creamy, diverse vocals of Madonna that she hasn't used since Ray of Light. That was 1998, almost 15 years! Fifteen! She got the voice, why not use it?

MDNA may be a goddamn good record, BUT, it still has it's Shanghai Surprise moments! "B-Day Song," if you wanna call it that (I call it a drunken night with MIA recorded and produced by a 5-year old) is just confusing. Ageism aside, even if Madonna recorded this song in 1979 on her pre-fame demos, it would still be age-inappropriate! When it comes to "I Fucked Up" Madonna didn't quite do that, at least not lyrically. I mean, she opens up (her soul), but the song just kind of drags like Paris Hilton's meat curtains might on a red carpet. And last, but definitely not least, "I'm A Sinner" written and produced with William Orbit.

William Orbit. This bitch. Now yes, Ray of Light was a great album, shit, it was epic! But as we learned with Music, Orbit should only be used sparingly, like garlic salt, or crack cocaine. The problem is, give him too much creative freedom and he makes your song sound like it belong on a "Best of the 60's TV Show Theme Songs" compilation. Leave that shit to Emma Bunton (Baby Spice)! Bitch knows how to work it!

The thing is,"Beautiful Killer" has a taste of the 60's Bond song, too! Only, unlike Orbit's shit, isn't shoved down your throat. It more slowly slides in and out, letting you taste it just a little- making "Killer" one of the best songs on the album. How was this NOT on the standard edition, and "Superstar" was?!?! Another bonus track, "Best Friend" sounds like the soundtrack to "Madonna: The Video Game!" (if ever made!) with computer beeps and her catchiest melody since "Bad Girl" it boggles the mind this isn't on the standard edition! Who makes these decisions?!?
One can only wonder about the tracks that did not make the cut. In recent years, leaks from 1992's “Shame” to 2008's “Animal” to 2010's “Broken” have proven to be strong unreleased songs, and in some cases, stronger than their album's first single (for example, Hard Candy).

Is MDNA in the same level as Madonna, Like a Prayer, Erotica, and Ray of Light? No. Does it smash all expectations after American Life, Confessions on a Dancefloor and Hard Candy? Fuck yeah! If she lost a lot of fans after the lyrically complicated, yet musically disappointing American Life, got a few pop-fans back who just wanted OK-dance music with the “Madonna-back-to-her-roots-without-actually-having-the-heart-of-retro-Madonna” Confessions, and pissed the same ones off with the strong, yet somewhat misguided Hard Candy, MDNA makes you L-U-V Madonna all over again.